Dad

I would like everyone to take a moment today and remember my wonderful Dad, who died three years ago today. I will always remember the twinkle in his eyes when he smiled, his wonderful sense of humor, and his guiding wisdom. People don't truly die until they are forgotten, so remember him today.

Hurricanes and sunflowers and airplanes

It is finally the weekend again, and here I am, waiting for my mom to arrive from Buffalo and waiting for Annika to wake up from her nap.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you'll know that Hurricane Earl is heading to New England for a Labor Day weekend visit. Notwithstanding the requisite doomsday predictions, it looks like the Cape and islands are going to get a Category 1 hurricane (the Cape is about 50 miles from our house), and we are going to have a tropical storm up here,  and it'll probably all be gone by Saturday morning. My only concern about our house and yard is that my sunflowers are going to blow down. I have a variety of sunflowers, some of which were volunteers from last year and have been blooming since July.  But I'm growing a new variety called "Honey Bear" that has taken a long time to open. One has opened and the rest are almost in bloom. They are cheerful and cute and unusual and I love them. I hope they survive the storm.

Here's a photo of them so far.

...and, OK, here are some photos of the other ones. I love my sunflowers.

Anyway, my mom was supposed to fly in tonight, at 8pm. Which, of course, is when the hurricane was predicted to arrive.  Last night, I went on the U.S. Airways website and learned that because there was now a weather advisory, Mom could change her plane ticket with no penalty. So she moved up her flight to this morning and should be arriving soon. I was pretty sure all week that she wasn't going to make it in, but she really is going to get here. It's cool. She'll be here til Monday.

Why am I writing this blog instead of driving to the airport? Because Annika woke up with a stomach bug this morning. She is down for a nap right now and I don't want to disturb her. She's been pretty listless this morning. Jim is going to pick up my mom from the airport.  One of my favorite things to do is meeting people at the airport, but at this point, Annika needs to rest. Hopefully she'll feel a lot better after her nap and she'll enjoy seeing Grandma! :)

11 years

11 years ago today (right about now), Jim and I were married. Here's our annual anniversary shot:

It's been a good day - boating in the morning, followed by lunch at Byblos, my #1 favorite restaurant. Then there was nap time, and a bit of gardening, and some errands. Tonight we're having a light dinner and then afterward, Annika will probably go out and play with the neighbors, and then maybe we'll go see the cows at the Weir River Farm. Annika loves to blow kisses at the cows.

Respite

What a bummer the last few weeks have been. First we found out one family member had a mild stroke (with no apparent side effects). Then I went into Buffalo for that memorial service for our family friend. Then Jim's grandmother had a very significant stroke and is in the hospital as I write this with unknown prognosis.

OK. So lots of sad things going on. Thus, we need a happy baby picture. This one is what happens when you mix a baby with blueberry pancakes and prunes.

 

You can't help but smile when you see that.

Last minute trip to Buffalo

We had a lovely visit to Buffalo this weekend. The purpose of the trip was to attend the memorial service for my parents' long-time neighbor and friend, who lived to age 95 and sadly died a week ago. Her daughter is my mom's best friend and someone whom I think of as family. There were lots of my parents' neighbors at the memorial service and it was interesting to see people that I hadn't seen since I moved away to college over 15 years ago.

Annika did quite well on the plane trip. I was pretty apprehensive because I was traveling by myself and while Annie is generally Miss Mellow Yellow, she will occasionally have melt-downs, particularly when she's thrown off her schedule. But she did really well. She was patient even though the flight was over an hour delayed. She practiced standing, and she played peek-a-boo with a lady that was sitting in the waiting area nearby. Then she slept through the whole flight.

But the changes in scenery eventually got to her - trying to sleep in three different cribs, seeing all kinds of people, etc. The second day, as usual, was the tough day, as that always seems to be the day when all the changes really sink in.  But she did relatively well on the flight home (although I don't recommend using the airplane's bathroom changing table unless you absolutely have to - it is about 1 foot by 1 foot and has a weight limit of 25 lbs ... unfortunately, in our case, our usage of it was not optional). Annie fell asleep as the plane landed in Boston, and was so sound asleep that I was able to move her from on my chest to the plane seat (to put on my coat), to back on my chest, then I carried her off the plane, then transferred her onto a seat in the waiting area (to open up her stroller), then strapped her into the stroller and she didn't even stir. I think she was quite happy to finally get home and sleep in her own crib last night.

Annika got to visit lots with her grandmas and her cousin Maddie, who was so excited to see Annika! Maddie just wanted to give her hugs and kisses, but Annika was a little shell-shocked from the drastic changes in her schedule, routine, and the people she was seeing.

In the end, she had fun playing with Maddie, particularly once we visited Maddie at her apartment. It was a good weekend - we got a lot of visiting in, considering how short the trip was. Annie's next road trip is in two weeks, when we drive to Corning, NY to visit Laurie.

Albany for lunch

Jim and I have a tradition with our Aunt D., who lives in Buffalo. A couple of times a year, we meet in Albany (D. takes the train and we drive) and we go out to lunch. Albany is not exactly half-way, but it sort of feels like it is, since it's right on the New York - Mass. border. We always go to the Albany Pump Station, a brewery and restaurant. It's a nice, open space with good food and service. We eat lunch, then we go back to the train station and visit. We've been known to play some cards, drink hot chocolate, or just sit and talk. Then D. gets on the next train back to Buffalo and we head back to Boston.  It's the closest we get to dropping in on family for lunch, but still being able to go home at the end of the day.

Today we continued the tradition with Annika. We met D. in Albany around noon, went to lunch, then visited at the train station til she had to go home. Here are Jim, D., and Annie in front of the Pump Station after lunch:

 

It was a lot of fun. Annie really enjoyed seeing D., and D. was very excited to see Annie.  The car ride was a new experience too.  It was her first long car ride in the new car seat (I think we need to make a few adjustments). But more significantly, Annie is more and more aware of her surroundings. She initiated a game of peek-a-boo during the car ride home - the first time she's done that with me! But she was impatient to be in her car seat. She'd rather be bouncing on Mama's lap.  Then she exerted her independence before bed by refusing to take her bottle! 

Tomorrow we may go to the Rhode Island Flower Show, and we're having friends over for dinner in the evening. Why do weekends go so quickly??

A quiet Wednesday night

We had a nice visit with my mom this week. She drove back to Boston with us from Buffalo and stayed with Annie while I was at work. Today, she sat in on my Isis class with me, then we went to lunch at the Biltmore Cafe in Newton, and later we took a walk around our neighborhood with Annie in the Bjorn. (She is getting awfully heavy in the Bjorn. I'm sad that her days in it are numbered. I love carrying her around in that thing).

Annie really enjoyed hanging with Grandma, and I'm pretty sure my mom enjoyed Annie just as much!

But, now it's back to reality. Jim doesn't get home til tomorrow night, very late. I am juggling the drop-off/pick-up routine at the daycare, although this should be a little easier tomorrow since I'm going to be in Boston all day at a conference, instead of Somerville.

I'm pretty sure Annie will have a tooth quite soon. Her gums are quite swollen and I can see a bump where the tooth is pushing through. She was a bit uncomfortable today at times. Perhaps the above photo will be Annie's last photo without teeth? :) Or perhaps this is yet another false alarm?

The house is very quiet, and at times, I wish I could hop on that plane with my mom and fly back to Buffalo with her. It's hard to be away from the warm blanket that is family.

Planes, trains and automobiles, but mostly planes

This weekend, Annika went on her first plane trip. We flew to Buffalo for a whirlwind, 48-hour visit to attend my cousin Kathy's wedding. The plane ride went surprisingly well. On the way to Buffalo, she fell asleep while the plane was taking off and stayed asleep until I had to wake her up to get off the plane in Buffalo. On the way back home, she had taken a 2-hour nap right before we left for the airport, so she was very awake. She sat up and looked at all the other passengers. She smiled at them. She played with the water bottle that they gave me. She wanted to try my cookies, so I had to move them out of her reach (a challenge when you only have about 4 feet of space in the plane). She got a little fussy here and there, but no melt-downs. The funny part about the flights was that I ended up sitting next to the same woman on both flights. We were both in Buffalo for weddings, and I guess we chose the same flights and the same seats!

Our visit to Buffalo was quick, but a good time. Annika got to spend a lot of times with her grandmas. Her Grandma Kogler babysat while I was at the wedding and reception. Annie also got to hang out with her Aunt Alex and her cousin Maddie. Annie and Maddie hung out and played with their feet. And Annie met Uncle Charlie and Aunt Ellen for the first time.

I say that the weekend was a whirlwind, but now that I think about it, "whirlwind" is a good word to describe our life. We're back home and life is continuing to proceed at break-neck speed. We have come up with a work-day routine. Jim has to wake up at 5:45 so that he can leave the house by 6 so that he can get to work by 7 so that he can leave work at 4 to pick Annie up from day care at 5. I get up at 6:15 so that I can rush around for 90 minutes, trying to get myself and Annie ready for the day. Then I have my 45 minute (plus or minus 15 minutes) commute to work on the highway in rush hour traffic. It seems to be slightly shorter on the way home. I usually get home by 5:30 or 5:45. I feel like I'm constantly running, and yet I never can stay ahead of everything. The house is a mess, the laundry is piling up, the yard needs to be cleaned up for the winter. Weekends seem to go by in the blink of an eye, and we can't even put a dent in all the stuff that needs to get done. Hopefully we'll settle into a routine eventually.

One final note: Annie tried carrots this morning. She made the usual disgusted face when she tried them, but no gagging! I hope this means that she likes carrots. I should mention that carrots are messy! When we got to the day care, she had spit up some on her white onesie (of course I chose white this morning), and her collar was completely orange. I wonder if they stain - probably. We'll try more tonight if there's time.

Annie's First Vacation, Part 2

After a visit from the Comcast guy this afternoon, we're back on-line. As promised, here is a pictorial journey of Annie's first vacation to Lake George.

But first, some background. Lake George is a family tradition. We've been doing Oktoberfest at Canoe Island Lodge for about fifteen years. Before that, we stayed at CIL in 1988 and 1993 for a whole week in the summer. Lake George was a family tradition mostly perpetuated by my dad, who loved to go there because of the beauty, the boating, the fabulous food, and the fact that it never changed. He knew exactly what to expect, and he was never caught by surprise. It was one of those rare vacations where he would actually relax and enjoy himself. I remember that he would try to leave Buffalo early on the Friday morning of the weekend so that he could go sailing on the lake before dinner!

It was also a perfect excuse to get the family together. No matter where Laurie and I were, Dad would find a way to bring us all there. While I was in college, he would drive an hour from Lake George to Albany to pick me up at the airport. He performed similar gymnastics to get Laurie to come in from wherever she was. While we were in college, Jim would drive down from Potsdam for the weekend. He was always welcome there, even when we'd only been dating a few months.

Dad died on a Sunday, on what should have been our Oktoberfest weekend of 2007. I don't think it's a coincidence that he died that weekend. It was the time that we were happiest and we were all together. Soon after he died, we thought about how at Lake George they would be right in the middle of the champagne party that they always have on the Sunday of Oktoberfest. Maybe Dad was somewhere, far away, toasting us all with champagne right then. I hope he was.

This year was the first year we went back to Lake George since Dad died. We didn't know how it was going to be. I was excited to introduce Annie to it, but I was very much missing Dad too.

We left Boston on Friday morning. We went the long way, through Vermont, and stopped at a little country store in Brattleboro, Vermont, where we always get lunch on the way to Lake George. After that, we did a quick stop at the Henry Bridge, a covered bridge where we got engaged 11 years ago. We had to introduce Annie to this beautiful place! The fall colors were incredible.

We then headed on to Lake George. We arrived in late afternoon, and Mom and Laurie arrived about an hour later. We had some fabulous food, then we went to bed.

The next day, we brought Annie down to the lake. The fall colors were at peak and were incredible.

Then we went into Bolton Landing, a little town near where CIL is. That's where we did some posed photos on this very large Adirondack chair.  Here's Annie with her grandma:

And here's a photo of me, Laurie and Annie:

 

 

The rest of the weekend was dedicated to eating amazing food and enjoying Lake George. Jim, Mom and I went sailing one afternoon. The wind was pretty crazy so they didn't let us stay out very long. Instead, they took us out on a pontoon boat to Canoe Island (CIL owns this island and gets its name from it). They also drove us around the lake a little. 

 

Here's a photo we took before we left, right outside the lodge. We have a similar photo taken of all of us with Dad from 2005 that is one of my favorite photos.

All in all, it was a good time and it was also a big learning experience. It was challenging to coordinate Annie's feeding and nap times with things going on at the lodge. It would've been even harder if my mom and Laurie hadn't been there to help us look after Annie. 

 

And, not unexpectedly, the whole experience felt empty now that my dad is gone. Canoe Island Lodge and this weekend in general was his big thing. I missed seeing him enjoy himself so much. But we were lucky to be there and I'm glad we went.

Day 2

Another day with Grandma! We went to Isis in the morning for our play group, and Annie got to play on the bouncy giraffe:

Later, she made friends with a muppet:

Later we went to the neighbors' house so that Annie could get foot-printed by the police. (Just for safety purposes!)

Here we are with her footprint card. She has to get it done again in a few months because they couldn't get a good print.

After a nap, Annie played with Grandma and her new muppet friend.

And then, Annie tried some squash. Here she is with a bib that her great-grandma Mac made for her:

It didn't go so well. She had about two bites, gagged, and then threw up not only the squash, but also most of her last bottle. Poor little kid. We'll try the squash again in a few days.

Tomorrow is my last day of work! Pretty crazy. The only thing left to do is finish up and file an appeals brief. I'm sad to be leaving, but I'm also relieved to finally have some stability.

Grandma's Visit!

On Monday, Grandma Kogler came to visit Annika for a whole week! Here is a pictorial summary of their first day together:

They read lots of stories:

They went on walks with the stroller:

They played in the exersaucer:

They tried to talk to Great-grandma McAvoy (but the line was busy):

They had take-out Indian with Mommy:
(those are not horns on my head, they are from the wind chime behind me :) )

 They even talked to Rich Frog:

All in all, a good time was had by all.

Visit to Buffalo

Since last Friday, we have been in Buffalo visiting family. Annie has gotten to visit with a lot of family, including her grandmas:



And her cousin Maddie:

(Along with her Aunt Alex and Uncle Rob, of course). It's been quite fun. Last night, Uncle Rob had a birthday party, and there were lots of people for Annie to see - her Aunts Dode and Clare Marie, and some of her aunts' cousins. There were lots of people there, and pretty soon it was time for Annie to go to bed for the night! :) Annie's current bedtime is about 8:30pm.

Today we got to visit more with Dode and Clare Marie, and in the evening, my mom took us out to dinner at a cool restaurant in the West Side of Buffalo, called Left Bank. Aside from very good food, their chocolate espresso cake was pretty amazing. :) (My mom and I split it).

Tomorrow we have more visiting to do. We're hopefully going to see Aunt Mary, and then Uncle Al and Aunt Joyce. In the evening, Dode is throwing a Bon Voyage/Farewell party for Clare Marie, who returns to Cameroon on Thursday. She only comes back to Buffalo every 2-3 years, so we've been trying to get in some good visiting time with her while she's in town. The last time she was in town was in 2006, and a lot has happened since then. I wonder what our lives will look like during the next time she comes to Buffalo.

On Wednesday, we return to Boston and get ready for the fall and all the changes that will happen soon. To be completely honest, I'm dreading it. But there's nothing you can do but move forward.

Birthdays and Attics

Today would've been my dad's 63rd birthday. I remember that he and my mom were here for his 60th birthday in 2006 and we went to Tanglewood for a concert. We had an ice cream cake from Frozen Freddie's. My mom and I walked down there to get it (a few blocks from our house) and then had to almost run to get it home so that it wouldn't melt. Here's a photo of us from my dad's 50th birthday:
(Notice that even my usually-prim-and-proper grandma put on a party hat and blew a noise maker!) I have few regrets in my life, but I deeply regret that my dad never got to meet Annika and be a grandpa. He would've loved her.

Today we finally got the electrical work done in the attic, after trying for weeks to have an electrician even call us back. I think they did a fine job, and I'm hoping to clean the floor and stairs this afternoon in an effort to start the process of moving our desk up there. I even bought a brand new bottle of Murphy's Oil Soap for the occasion! (Jim semi-jokingly worried that the soap will make the stairs disintegrate but I have more faith in our stairs). It will be interesting to see how our AC window-unit will do up there - I'm happy that we're going to get some more use out of it. Then, all we really need to do is finish painting the walls. It's not pretty up there, but it'll do until we have the money to renovate the attic.

3 months!

Annie turned 3 months old today!!
Laurie and I celebrated by taking her on a picnic lunch at Houghton's Pond. We watched the little kids swim and play in the kiddie part of the pond and I was thinking about whether we could bring Annie there at this time next summer. Later, I made Cherry Garcia ice cream (although it didn't quite come out like the stuff you get at the store). Now I have to take Laurie to the airport for her flight back west. :(

Maternity leave and beyond

I think it might be the uncertainty of it all: the fact that life has changed completely as I know it and I don't know what happens next. And the lack of sleep doesn't help.

Maternity leave has not been easy for me. Before Annie arrived, I had a job that I usually liked, a lot of structure in my life, and I knew who I was. I spent my days doing things at work, such as going to court, filling out applications, talking to clients, answering phone calls and e-mails relating to work, interacting with co-workers and other lawyers, and spending a lot of time in downtown Boston. The structure of my life was constructed externally - my days were filled with deadlines and appointments. On the weekends, I got to rest, hang out with Jim, run errands, have dinner with friends. My goal in life was to change the world, even in a small way; to make life better for other people. I felt that I really could do this in my profession, and that in a lot of ways, I already had.

All of that went away quite suddenly. One day, I was working and going to court, and the next day I had a baby. Sure, I had about 8 months to prepare, but I thought I had another month left. Maybe I never would have felt prepared, even if Annie hadn't come so suddenly.

My coworkers and bosses stepped in and covered all my hearings, deadlines, etc. that I had left at work. I had made a case status list and they were able to pick things up fairly easily, I think. But, of course, now they've assumed control of my cases and they don't need me any more. From the looks of it, I will not have a job there in September, when I had hoped to return to work. The economy has hit our firm very badly, and they already had lay-offs earlier this year. They even cut everyone's hours back by a day starting at the beginning of the year. I find it unfair that they
have chosen to bring back some of the paralegals full-time, but are likely going to lay me off. I should be allowed to have a maternity leave without fearing that I'm putting my job in jeopardy by taking one, especially since I was bringing in more than enough revenue to cover my income and other overhead. But the truth is that they don't have any money, and I'm an easy person to lay off since they've already adjusted to my absence.

I am applying for other jobs, but all of this, coupled with motherhood, have left a lot of questions open. Who am I? Where do I belong in this world? What is important in life? I'm not used to being at home, controlling my own schedule. Sure, we all fantasize about having more free time, but now that I have some free time, I'm often at a loss for what to do with it.

For many years, I have loved living in Boston. Lately, I have been so homesick for Buffalo and family. I'm sad that Annie will never really get to know them beyond rushed visits a few times a year. I'm overwhelmed that Jim and I will be completely and solely responsible for parenting Annie, with very little input from our families.

My goal in life, to make life better for other people, remains the same, except there's a second goal too: to make sure my daughter has the best life possible. Sometimes I worry that these two goals are in conflict. If I have a job (and who knows - maybe something will work out in September), I have to put her in day care. We have found a great day care, but it is going to hurt to have to leave her there. On the other hand, I don't think she will have the best life possible if I stay at home with her all the time. I suppose that eventually I would get better at creating structure to my days, but I'm really not very good at it, and I'm sad a lot of the time. I think Annie needs a mom who is happy and involved with the world. I feel that a good role model is one who fights to meet my first goal, to make life better for other people. I want to be that role model.

The question now, of course, is what the future holds for me. Will I have a job in September? Will I be getting more sleep then, enabling me to think more clearly than I am right now? Will life ever feel "normal" again? Will I ever resolve the conflict between wanting to be close to family and wanting to live in a great city, have a great career, and have a life for myself that is of my own making and not dependent on family?

Mustaches and cats

Today was a beautiful day. It was about 70 degrees and sunny with clear skies. Pretty unusual for Boston this summer. To take advantage of the great weather, we went for a walk along Wollaston Beach. Laurie shared her mustache monacle with Annie. She looks pretty good with a Howard Johnson mustache, doesn't she?

Also, since they were shooed off the changing table, the cats decided to take up shop in Annie's Pack-N-Play instead:
I had to shoo them out of there too. I'm waiting to find them in the crib. That will probably be next. We had artichokes and rice for dinner, and we might go to Frozen Freddie's later, if we have the energy.

A quick update

1) We returned to Boston on Monday. The drive seemed to go on forever, although it was about an hour shorter than when I drove in the week before. Go figure. Annie slept most of the way. She is really good in the car.

2) Laurie arrived Wednesday morning, wearing a mustache monocle around her neck. (I'll post a photo later. It's hilarious). It's great to see her and have her here! Now I just have to get over to the grocery store and purchase some coffee for the Mr. Coffee ... from what I'm told, the instant coffee we have in our fridge sucks.

3) Annie and I started our new group at Isis yesterday. Annie weighed in at 11 pounds, 11 ounces! Pretty cool. She looks about the same size as most of the babies in the group. During the part of the class where the moderator reads a book to the babies, Annie talked up a storm. The book was about the sounds that animals make. The moderator said, "The cow goes mooo... and the sheep goes baaa... and the cat goes MEOW!" and just then, Annie made a noise that sounded like a meow. No kidding. Everyone was laughing. I guess Annie was demonstrating her heritage; all the other babies were pretty quiet.

4) Last night we went to an Asian restaurant in Hingham that we'd never been to before, called "Asian C." The hostess, who had a 9-month-old baby herself, thought Annie was so cute that she brought out a complementary roll of maki for us.

5) Annie drank SEVEN OUNCES of formula last night before bed, and then slept over SEVEN HOURS (she fed at 9:40 pm and then not again until 5:25!). As I was rocking her to sleep last night, she looked me right in the eye and was trying to talk to me, making all kinds of baby noises and smiling and looking right at me. Wow. Then Jim and I were awake at 5 and didn't know what to do because Annie hadn't woken up yet. I love it.

Nieces, aunts, grandmothers, friends and a grand old city

I'm in Buffalo til July 6. We drove in on Wednesday and it took 9 hours. Ack. The drive is usually 7 hours, but stopping for bottle feedings will tack on the time.

After some sleep (and feedings), we went to Alex's. Click on the link below to read more about that:

http://afuss.blogspot.com/2009/06/family-time.html

Today would've been my parents' 38th wedding anniversary. For lunch, Mom, Gretchen, Annie and I went to Merge, a new restaurant with a lot of vegetarian options. It had really great food (including an interesting kale salad that we're going to try to replicate tonight). It's located in downtown Buffalo on Delaware Avenue, somewhat near Spot Coffee. It's nice to see new businesses opening in downtown. After lunch, we went to the cemetery and then back home, where I took a short power nap. After several rather spectacular thunderstorms over the last 24 hours, the weather is sunny and hot. Hopefully it'll cool down enough so we can eat dinner on my mom's back porch, and then take a walk at Niawanda Park.

Father's Day Part 2

Well, we got back from Townsend, Mass., which is where the clock store was. It was fun, except we left our picnic back home on the kitchen floor. We realized this after we had parked in the state park in Townsend and were quite hungry. We looked at each other and said, "Who brought the lunch?" On the good side, we did manage to remember the baby and her diaper bag. Annie got her normal formula for lunch, and we ate a diner in Groton, Mass.

Annie gave her dad "The Little Engine That Could" for father's day. How did she know that he liked trains? Amazing. Later, we had story hour:

Annie seemed more interested in what was going on outside, but we still had fun.

Father's Day!

Happy father's day to all the dads out there!

And a smile to remember those dads that aren't here anymore.

I wanted to do a picnic at Houghton's Pond today, but it's raining (again). So we are probably going to go for a drive up to Leominster (near the NH border), where there is a shop that sells antique grandfather clocks. Some of the people that work at this shop appear on Antiques Roadshow on a regular basis. Jim loves looking at the old clocks and wants to build one someday. It's a beautiful drive and we'll do a car picnic if the weather doesn't clear up.